Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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