at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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