Duck Duck Cougar?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
