Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
