mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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