You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
