it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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