I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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