Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
