In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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