The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
this will be a night to untag.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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