i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
