Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
