Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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