I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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