i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
