is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
