you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
