Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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