They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
