Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
