dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I checked into jail on foursquare
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
