I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
