My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
