He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
