if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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