i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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