why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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