I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
