Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
