he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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