tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
