Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
