My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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