so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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