We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
