Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
