If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
