mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
