I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
