i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
