my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
