My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
