Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
