Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
