Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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