You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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