we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
how drunk are you?
Several
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
