I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
