Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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