so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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